I've been sort of struggling with a big decision. If you've followed me from the beginning - or even half way - you know that I’ve always been a 'slow loser'. This hasn't made this journey easy for me at all. I have to bust my ass for every pound while watching others just melt away with little effort. I was willing to accept it as long as I was losing. A lifetime of obesity doesn't resolve itself overnight. But the more this drags out, the more I have to consider how far I am going to take this.

My goal/hope was always to lose 100 pounds. That would put me on the high end of the 'ideal' weight for my height. As I inch closer to my goal, the scale is, of course, creeping. This is expected for anyone, but for me, considering the way I lose so slowly, its increasingly frustrating. So I am beginning to wonder if I should call an end to the weight loss journey and go into transition and then maintenance. 

This is an incredibly hard decision for me. All of my life, it’s been rare for me to follow through on goals. I rarely excel at anything - and up until now, weight loss never even made the list of things I marginally excelled at. So I have a lot of disappointment in myself that I am even considering this. I worry that I will feel unfulfilled in this choice and have nothing but anger, regret and disappointment in myself if I stop before I hit 100 pounds.

On the other hand, maybe my body is just done and doesn't want to lose anymore. Even though I still have a significant amount of belly fat, almost every day I have people tell me 'You don't look like you have anything left to lose.' I smile politely and think about my measurements (below) and disagree in my head while thanking them for the compliment. Then I wonder how much of the bulk that is left is just sagging skin. And how much of that accounts for the 'extra' weight? My arms and thighs have barely changed since November.

	Nov. 14, 2011	May 14, 2012
Thighs	24"	22"
Arms	13"	12"

Sigh. Not much happening there. I mean really, I should show y'all what it looks like when I 'tuck' the skin up. I really do wonder how much those bat wings weigh.

Back to the issue at hand. To call it a day or not.

I’m nervous to go into maintenance but more than anything, scared that I will feel as though I have failed at this. Because right now as I consider my options, despite all the huge changes I’ve made in my life, I feel like a failure at the idea of not hitting 100lbs. But I want to do what is best for my health. Do I continue to push and push and possibly force my body to do something it simply shouldn't be doing? Or do I forge ahead and meet this goal come hell or high water?

This shouldn't be so gut-wrenching. I've lost 90 pounds to date. NINETY! I run, like, a lot of miles. I make healthy choices that encompass every aspect of my life from food to environment to mental state. I'm doing all the right things despite my urges to just hang out on the couch.

So why is this 100 pound goal so important to me when I've accomplished so much already?

Because it means freedom. It means breaking away from who I was, or rather the person I've pigeon-holed myself into being for so many years. The person that doesn't follow through, the person that doesn't make or reach goals, the person who doubts herself, her talents and doesn't allow herself to live life to the fullest.

I am better than what I've allowed myself to be. I am bigger than my past, brighter than my present. And the future it's unlimited - if I work harder, if I push, and if I let myself attempt something greater than the limitations I set for myself.

I'm not ready to make a concrete and final decision on when to end this journey. For now I am setting a goal of four weeks. Four weeks from today, if I have not yet met my goal of 100 pounds, I will make a final decision. Today I'm going to continue to challenge myself. Right now, ten pounds in a month seems just as possible as it does impossible. But life is full of infinite possibilities. I will no longer deny myself opportunity because of a little fear and doubt.

Month One: -16 lbs

Month Two: -5 lbs
Month Three: -6 lbs
Month Four: -6 lbs
Month Five: -6 lbs
Month Six: -8.5 lbs

Month Seven: -7.5 lbs

Month Eight: -5 lbs

Month Nine: -2 lbs

Month Ten: -5 lbs

Month Eleven: -6 lbs

Month Twelve: -4 lbs

Month Thirteen: -6.5 lbs

Month Fourteen: -3.5 lbs

Month Fifteen: -1 lbs

Week sixty two: 1 WHAT?! WHAT?! (its actually 1lb and some change. But we are just gonna call it 1)

Week sixty three: 1

Total: 90 lbs gone forever! Current weight: 150 lbs Distance from goal: 10 lbs!!

Date	Bust	Waist	Hips	Thighs	Arms
4/23-4/30	36"	35.5"	39.5"	22"	12"
5/1-5/7	35.5"	33"	38"	22"	12"

Medifast recently introduced a new customer savings program. If you use my coupon code, TURNIP56, and sign up for Medifast Advantage when you order $250+, you’ll receive 56 free Medifast Meals and free shipping! Medifast Advantage has a lot of perks, including free customizable meals and a free BlenderBottle® with minimum purchase.

For your first order of $250+, use my code, and enroll in Medifast Advantage to receive 28 free meals. Do the same on your next order and you’ll receive ANOTHER 28 free meals! This offer is only valid if you enroll in Medifast Advantage, and it’s limited to one per customer. It’s not valid with prior purchases, any other promotions or discounts, or for Medifast Ready-to-Drink Shakes. Check out Medifast’s website for complete details on program and discounts.

*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn't like something in the program. :)
Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.

A Grande Life

O My Family

The Domestic Buzz

A Very Busy Mama

Gaithersburg-Rockville Macaroni Kid

Real Mom Media

Two Frugal Mommas

Single Mom on a Budget

Couponing to Disney

Jenni from the Blog (maintaining since summer ’11)

The Adventures of Goober Grape and Monkey Man (maintaining since April ’11)

Unemployed Mom (maintaining since April ’12)

Source: google.com via Kathryn on Pinterest

Movement.

It's so important in weight loss. But when the numbers on the scale are not moving, sometimes you are not only stuck physically but mentally as well. Its so damn frustrating especially when you believe you are doing all the right things. And I think I am doing all the right things. However, here I sit, letting you know that I am down a measly half pound this week.

I don't mind telling you, this sucks. It sucks a lot.

Especially when I was so confident that I'd step on that scale this morning and see a big drop. I even closed my eyes before I stepped on the scale this morning. I had it all built up in my head that I was going to be down at least 3 pounds. I thought for sure that changing up my exercise routine would kick start some weight loss.

I am currently alternating the 30 Day Shred with running. I can feel a difference in my body. So something is happening. My tightest jeans are a slim cut 12 in non-stretchy denim. In the past week, they are practically falling off of me. Even fresh out of the dryer I still find myself pulling them up and readjusting my belt. So I was beyond shocked to see such a paltry loss this week.

But I must keep moving forward. I'm moving forward mentally by not letting my mind drag me down. I'm not giving into those feelings of 'This isn't working the same anymore. Why should I bother?'. Instead I am determined to move forward with the plan that's in place. I'm going to stick with the 5&2 until the end of the month. If I don't see some decent results on the scale, I will try the 4&2 plan (for real this time). I'm letting myself feel good about seeing new changes in my body - even if they aren't reflected on the scale the way I hoped they would be.

I'm going to keep moving forward physically, setting new goals and completing the ones I have in place. Check out my running ticker! I've logged 94 miles in 10 weeks! With the 10 mile Broad Street Race coming up on May 6th, all the 5k's I've signed up for over the summer, the Warrior Dash and as well as my every day exercising, I will meet (and hopefully exceed) my goal of 250 miles by August 3rd in no time. In fact I'll be wrapping up my running goal by participating in the BlogHer'12 5k Fun Run through NYC.

Source: blogher.com via Kelly on Pinterest

When I return from BlogHer'12, I plan to pick my first half marathon.

Just let that sink in for a minute. Its barely been eight months since I seriously began running. The person that could barely get off the couch let alone get a mile under her feet.

Half Marathon
Tough Mudder
Marathon

These things will happen...and so will movement on the scale.

I'm not getting stuck. I'm not giving up. I'm not giving in. I am getting a move on. 

I even got new kicks to keep me going. :)

Month One: -16 lbs

Month Two: -5 lbs
Month Three: -6 lbs
Month Four: -6 lbs
Month Five: -6 lbs
Month Six: -8.5 lbs

Month Seven: -7.5 lbs

Month Eight: -5 lbs

Month Nine: -2 lbs

Month Ten: -5 lbs

Month Eleven: -6 lbs
Month Twelve: -4 lbs
Month Thirteen: -6.5 lbs
Week fifty three: -1.5
Week fifty four: -.5
Week fifty five: -.5
Week fifty six: 0 :(
Week fifty seven: -1
Week fifty eight: 0 bleh.
Week fifty nine: .5

Total: 87.5 lbs gone forever! Current weight: 152.5 lbs Distance from goal: 12.5 lbs!!

Medifast recently introduced a new customer savings program. If you use my coupon code, TURNIP56, and sign up for Medifast Advantage when you order $250+, you’ll receive 56 free Medifast Meals and free shipping! Medifast Advantage has a lot of perks, including free customizable meals and a free BlenderBottle® with minimum purchase.

For your first order of $250+, use my code, and enroll in Medifast Advantage to receive 28 free meals. Do the same on your next order and you’ll receive ANOTHER 28 free meals! This offer is only valid if you enroll in Medifast Advantage, and it’s limited to one per customer. It’s not valid with prior purchases, any other promotions or discounts, or for Medifast Ready-to-Drink Shakes. Check out Medifast’s website for complete details on program and discounts.

*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn't like something in the program. :) 
Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.

~*Stephanie at A Grande Life*~ 
~*Jenni at Jenni From the Blog*~

~*Stephanie at Goober Monkey*~

~*Alison at O My Family*~

~*Jessica at The Unemployed Mom*~

~*Mariana at The Domestic Buzz*~

People usually begin their weight loss journey with an epiphany for why they must change. I never had that. It was pretty simple for me. I was grossly overweight, I didn't want to be overweight anymore and so I started a weight loss plan. I hoped beyond hope that I'd find my moment along the way. I waited patiently - and sometimes not - for something or someone to speak to me. I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. That moment when you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that everything has changed.

I waited and waited. Weeks passed, pounds were shed, goals were met and still there was nothing. There was no revelation, no lightening bolts, no divine moment. I had all but given up on having my moment. To feel better I had convinced myself that other people who claimed to have had this moment were full of it. All I felt was empty and tired.

Yet despite all my convincing, my heart ached for something to tell me that all my hard work would not go to waste. All of my waiting and wanting would be rewarded with clarity. Something to tell me that it was ok to finally spread my weathered wings and fly far away from the many things that put me where I began this journey.

Sometimes in life you have to resign yourself to accept that some of your expectations will not be met.

Sometimes, for the sake of preservation, you have to tell yourself that its ok to move on and let the fire die.

Sometimes though, the tiniest of embers linger, and a gentle breeze will blow and ignite an inferno in your heart.

Today my heart is on fire because I got my moment I had waited my whole life for and now I feel as though I am finally living a whole life. I can barely type out the words without my heart swelling so much that it feels like it might come out of my chest.

When that robotic voice chimed in over my music to let me know I had just run a mile in 7 minutes and 46 seconds, I laughed. I didn't believe it and I kept going. Then my previously cold face got warm. The warmth worked its way down my shoulders, into my arms, through my fingers until it reached my feet that were numb from the cold. Every part of my body was tingling and I kept going. I wanted to stop and look at my app, still not believing what I heard. Then I heard it again. I stopped for just a second and looked at the app. I could not believe I did it once, let alone twice. But there it was. I had improved my average time by almost five minutes.

I started running again. I was holding back tears, fighting back a prideful grin and feeling foolish for being excited about something that comes easily to others.

No. I earned this. I'll throw a god damn parade over this if I want to!

I just went with it. I let it all go. I cried as I ran. I laughed and as I flew along that back road I clapped my hands together in delight and I yelled toward the sky 'I'm beating you! I'm really beating you! You'll never catch up to me again!'. And even thought I'm sure I looked quite insane, I didn't care. Because every painful memory that had glued itself to my body, all the guilt, the shame and sadness fell away from my being. Finally, my spirit felt as light as my body.

I grew wings that day. I have turned the tables on my struggle with obesity and food addiction. And even though this monster will always be at my back following closely behind, it will never pull me down again.

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive

I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise

To fly

To fly

Month One: -16 lbs
Month Two: -5 lbs
Month Three: -6 lbs
Month Four: -6 lbs
Month Five: -6 lbs
Month Six: -8.5 lbs

Month Seven: -7.5 lbs

Month Eight: -5 lbs

Month Nine: -2 lbs

Month Ten: -5 lbs

Month Eleven: -6 lbs
Month Twelve: -4 lbs
Week forty nine: -2

Total: 79 lbs gone forever! Current weight: 161 lbs Distance from goal: 21 lbs!!

I wasn't sure what I was going to write about today. If you are a regular visitor to my blog, you probably noticed that it's been quiet here in the past week. I'm feeling a little lost (again) as I ruminate on all the feelings I was having last week. I've been reflecting a lot on my journey so far and where I want it to take me. And honestly...I don't know. 

I don't know. 

I DON'T KNOW.

And not having a plan, a goal (other than the obvious weight loss goal) or a purpose makes me itchy and fidgety. 

I don't know who I am right now. I know who I was before Medifast: 

• Lazy
• selfish
• unmotivated
• unhealthy 
• dying slowly

And I know who I've been on Medifast: 

• A stranger to myself
• Kate Winslet
• A really ridiculous, living-in-the-past, bride
• A runner 
• A Phoenix
• Lost (it happens a lot)
• A mediator
• A success

I don't know who I am right now as I struggle to identify with this new body and new way of life. There is a lot of fear for me in getting to goal. I've never known a life that didn't include dieting. But what kind of tangible goal can I attain from this other than physical and mental changes? Should there be one? Shouldn't every journey end with 'something' to show from it?

I've been feeling lost and desperately searching for some kind of divine inspiration to keep myself on the right path. I'm pouring through old posts to reignite my barely flickering flame as I struggle through these cold, winter months that pull at my emotions, sap my energy, and cloud my mind with self-doubt. Nothing is working.


And this morning as the idea of even beginning to write a weight loss post nearly brought me to tears, I saw this:

I don't know who I am right now - but I know who I want to become. 

• Driven
• Healthy
• An inspiration
• A mentor
• A role model
• A person with anxiety disorders under control
• A success
• An imperfect being at peace with their life

I don't know where these labels will take me - if anywhere at all. Or if there will be anything tangible other than smaller clothing. But I know it will be the me I was always meant to be and I will be where I should have always been. 

I can't wait to be welcomed home.

• • • •

It should come as no surprise that my case of the blahs is in part due to being frustrated with the scale. I had a good start to the month with a two pound loss but little by little it has petered out. I didn't lose anything this week. But I have an extra day in February to make up for this, right? :)

Oh and that commercial? That's an actual Medifast success story. Jessica Westmoreland lost 85 lbs on the Medifast 5&1 Plan. Since losing weight with Medifast, Jessica has shown us all how to “Become Yourself” by starting her own law firm, becoming an athlete and planning her upcoming wedding.

Great work, Jessica. I'm looking forward to joining the ranks of the Medifast success stories. 

Month One: -16 lbs
Month Two: -5 lbs
Month Three: -6 lbs
Month Four: -6 lbs
Month Five: -6 lbs
Month Six: -8.5 lbs

Month Seven: -7.5 lbs

Month Eight: -5 lbs

Month Nine: -2 lbs

Month Ten: -5 lbs

Month Eleven: -6 lbs
Week forty five: -2
Week forty six: -1
Week forty seven: -1
Week forty eight: -0

Total: 77 lbs gone forever! Current weight: 163 lbs Distance from goal: 23 lbs!!

If you're interested in trying Medifast, I have a great deal for you! Use the code TURNIP56 to get $50 off an order of $275. Check out Medifast's new customer savings program! 

*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn't like something in the program. :)

~*Stephanie at A Grande Life*~  ~*Jenni at Jenni From the Blog*~

~*Stephanie at Goober Monkey*~

~*Alison at O My Family*~

~*Jessica at The Unemployed Mom*~

~*Mariana at The Domestic Buzz*~

Sometimes I still think:

That I hate shopping for clothes because nothing will fit. 

The reality: nearly everything fits. But in my head, I am still a size 20. I still gravitate to the plus size section. I start in the 18’s and work my way down. I put on a size 12 pants last week and nearly talked myself out of buying them. That they couldn’t possibly fit me and that I would look foolish wearing them. I’m wearing them right now. I have no trouble buying clothes now. It’s pretty cool.

That I won’t fit in theater seats and I should still sit in the aisle seat so I am not squished.

The reality: I have room to spare in those seats. I no longer scan the movie theater looking for a spot with a left over aisle seat. When I buy concert tickets my only concern is how close I can get, not where I will be stuck.

That I can’t cross my legs

The reality: I can’t stop crossing my legs. Really, it’s an issue. I’m starting to look like a pretzel twist.

That I have to remain acutely aware of which way my hips swing in crowded areas or stores with small walking paths – that I will break something by bumping into it.

The reality: Well I’m kind of clumsy so I still have to do this. ;) But as far as the space around me goes, there is a lot more!

That I need to choose my chairs wisely. I might not fit or it could break.

The reality: I no longer have to gingerly test chairs or step stools. In fact, I look at that ‘Do not exceed 250lbs’ weight limit on labels and think ‘Heck no I won’t!’ Hmmmm in fact, 'Do not exceed 150lbs' might make a good reminder tattoo.

That I’d never see my goal weight. That I am not one of those lucky people.

The reality: Luck has nothing to do with it. It’s all determination and having the right tools. I'm so close. I will see it and I will stay there.

Yes, every so often I will forget how far I’ve come since March. Then I will happen upon an old photo.

            

So sometimes I still think that I am 240lb me. But no matter how much I’ve lost, something I never forget is how much I’ve gained. If I can do it, you can too.

A lot of my readers have expressed concern over the cost of this program. And no matter how I break the numbers down and demonstrate to people how affordable the program really is, they still struggle with the idea of the cost. I get it. When you have a large amount of weight to lose, it can be a large commitment.

Well the folks at Medifast understand too.

Today, Medifast introduced a new customer savings program. If you use my new coupon code, TURNIP56, and sign up for Medifast Advantage, when you order $250+, you’ll receive 56 free Medifast Meals and free shipping! Medifast Advantage has a lot of perks, including free customizable meals and a free BlenderBottle® with minimum purchase.

Here are the details: For your first order of $250+, use my code, and enroll in Medifast Advantage to receive 28 free meals. Do the same on your next order and you’ll receive ANOTHER 28 free meals! This offer is only valid if you enroll in Medifast Advantage, and it’s limited to one per customer. It’s not valid with prior purchases, any other promotions or discounts, or for Medifast Ready-to-Drink Shakes. Check out Medifast’s website for complete details on program and discounts.

P.S. The new year is right around the corner! You could be bikini (or speedo) ready by the end of May.

 •  •  •

Total: 69 lbs gone forever!
Current weight: 171 lbs
Distance from goal: 31 lbs!!

If you're interested in trying Medifast, I have a great deal for you! Use the code TURNIP50 to get $50 off an order of $275.

*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn't like something in the program. :)

~*Stephanie aka Goober Monkey*~

~*Jenni aka Jenni From the Blog*~

~*Eileen aka Bringing Up Bronwyn*~

~*Amanda aka Mandalyn and the stinky cheese*~

~*Laura akaWho you are is Enough*~