How to scare the shit out of your neighbors

So I was running along the other day and I was all 'La dee da! run, run, run! jiggle, jiggle, jiggle!' and minding my own business. Ahead of me I saw a person sitting in the passenger side of a car parked in a driveway. The car wasn't turned on - I thought that was odd.

As I got closer, it appeared that the person's hands were raised in an effort to open the door. 'Hmmm,' I thought, "they seem to be struggling with that door.'

A few steps closer, they aren't moving.

Oh my god is that an old person stuck in a car? Was I really going to have to give someone a beat down for elder abuse? My heart raced as I got closer and pulled my phone out in preparation of dialing 911. Just as I was about to make a valiant rescue and become the savior of old folks everywhere, I saw this:

His name is Ted. Ted is dead.

And that's the story of how I crapped my pants while running.

Thanks neighbor!