ZOMFG Facebook is listening to me fucking fart in the bathroom! | How to Opt-out of Facebook's creeper setting

Guys. Everyone is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT over the new Facebook messenger app.

The newest app updates disable messenger within the Facebook app, forcing you to download the Facebook Messenger app. I will grant you that it is a battery killa and that needs to change. But as usual, the internetz has devolved into a puddle of muppet-like arm-waving, and ravings about privacy because this new app requests access to your microphone so that it can hear your surroundings.

Why does the app want to hear your surroundings? Der. Total NSA KGB bullshit, y'all. Big Brother is totally listening.

Or maybe Zuck really needs an awesome holiday cookie recipe and wants to listen in when you call your mom.

First of all, you are using a free social networking platform. Despite your ideals of what should be, when you are using a powerful and FREE platform, you are not entitled to much - especially privacy. (And lets not even get into Facebook's recent experiment in emotional manipulation.)
So let's stop pretending that Facebook owes us any level of privacy or customer service. That's just silly. Every time you Like, Post, or Share, you are being bought and sold by a company that basically prints their own money. They really don't care about your privacy as long as their printer never runs out of ink or paper. 


Second, the microphone function is OPT IN ONLY. 

I repeat:


That means Facebook will not randomly turn on your microphone. It will ASK for access to your microphone.
If you have previously granted access to the microphone or have updated the app and mistakenly granted access, below are instructions on how to disable the microphone function on an iPhone (as well as giving it access to your contacts).

Step #1: go into your fucking settings and click on the fucking precious privacy button.
Step #2: click on the mother fucking contacts.
Step #3: turn off the fucking Facebook messenger access for fuck's sake.
Step #4: then go back the the fucking privacy menu and choose the damn microphone before I beat you with a shoe.
Step #6: turn off the fucking microphone's fucking access to your lame, boring, no-one-gives-a-rock-hard-shit, conversation.

Step #6a: If you are extra paranoid, just don't take the fucking phone into your bedroom or bathroom.

Can we stop it with this nonsense now?

And even if you have granted access and you are curious enough to try it out, you can turn it off whenever you want by tapping the fucking sound bar icon so it turns gray.
Seriously people, familiarize yourself with the technology you are using. People that don't understand basics are the people that cause a frenzy because they don't understand what they are dealing with. Do you really want to be that person? Do you want to be the start of the zombie apocalypse? Because this is how this shit starts.
Listen, I don't completely blame you for being technologically declined. Some people just aren't in that frame of mind. If we are being honest though, most choose to go on auto-pilot and let the technology do the work for them. And that kind of speaks to where our society is at right now, doesn't it? That, however, is a post for another day.

I will say that Facebook and any of its apps are really the only app I feel like we need to be wary of. I mean come on, if we are to believe the Hollywood history, Zuck stole the idea and coding for his Facebook empire. Its an empire built on the backs of schmucks like you and me. Zuck is not to be trusted. Moreover, I think we need to be more wary of our own apathy. There is no doubt that Facebook takes liberties and it preys on people's unfamiliarity with the technology they are using. On one hand, its super shady. On the other hand, its a smart business model. Sucks but its just how it works.

Long story short: Suck it up, Buttercup. This is the price we pay to play the game that is Facebook.

And turn off your microphone. Because even Zuck doesn't want to hear you having sex.


  1. This is not true on Android. Mic and camera must be universally accepted to download. It is only opt in on iphone.

  2. ...I have a crush on you now. Based solely on this article. <3

  3. Best article I've seen on this topic :)

  4. I love you. For many more reasons than this. But this? THIS.

  5. You are awesome! love this!