It wasn't like Rescue Me at all.

As far as domesticity goes, I'm pretty much a bust. My cleaning is so-so. Gardens pull up their roots and run away when they see me coming. And as far as cooking goes...well, the Food Network pays me to not watch their channel. Martha Stewart once sent me a cease and desist letter when I tried to make her meatloaf.

We have a new-ish alarm system at the house. In addition to decapitating intruders and shooting poisonous darts at dogs that crap on our lawn, it also has a smoke and heat sensor. I was attempting to make a proper meal (you know, instead of tots and nuggets) and smoke quickly filled the house.

Everything was fine at first, we opened the windows, waved around a dish towel (we don't have a kitchen fan) and then - then the alarm went off.

Getting to the alarm was like doing the final challenge in Double Dare. There is that moment of WTF where I have no clue what is happening. I just stand there dumbfounded waiting for someone to do something, make that terrible noise stop. Then I come back to reality and remember that the fire department fines people for false alarms! CRAP! And I go to run to the alarm and I slipped in some oil that had spattered on the floor, tripped over the dog and finally got to the alarm and could not remember my code! gah!

The alarm is off, the windows are open and dinner is moments from being served....and that's when I see the lights. Crap! Crap! Crap! Apparently our local department did not get the message that the Five Alarm fire was actually just a very well done pork chop. Before I remember that I am looking a hot mess in my sweats, ponytail and...oh bra, I am out on the sidewalk with buckets of apologies for inconveniencing them.

So the guy with all the radios comes in and checks things out. Then he says something in code over the radio that I can only assume translated to "Everything's fine. This jackass just doesn't know how to use a stove. She should also wear a bra at all times.". He takes my name and number and while I could hope that it's because he thought I was super cute, I'm pretty sure its so he could send us a fine. Boo.

Overall I was pleased with their response time – despite the lack of need for it. Good to know that if we ever have a real emergency, we’ll have a crew at our door in minutes. But I have to say I was a little bummed that Tommy Gavin and his crew didn't come stumbling off the rig. ;)

Tonight’s menu: Cereal.