Take it off | Week 63: Defying Gravity


I've been sort of struggling with a big decision. If you've followed me from the beginning - or even half way - you know that I’ve always been a 'slow loser'. This hasn't made this journey easy for me at all. I have to bust my ass for every pound while watching others just melt away with little effort. I was willing to accept it as long as I was losing. A lifetime of obesity doesn't resolve itself overnight. But the more this drags out, the more I have to consider how far I am going to take this.

My goal/hope was always to lose 100 pounds. That would put me on the high end of the 'ideal' weight for my height. As I inch closer to my goal, the scale is, of course, creeping. This is expected for anyone, but for me, considering the way I lose so slowly, its increasingly frustrating. So I am beginning to wonder if I should call an end to the weight loss journey and go into transition and then maintenance. 

This is an incredibly hard decision for me. All of my life, it’s been rare for me to follow through on goals. I rarely excel at anything - and up until now, weight loss never even made the list of things I marginally excelled at. So I have a lot of disappointment in myself that I am even considering this. I worry that I will feel unfulfilled in this choice and have nothing but anger, regret and disappointment in myself if I stop before I hit 100 pounds.

On the other hand, maybe my body is just done and doesn't want to lose anymore. Even though I still have a significant amount of belly fat, almost every day I have people tell me 'You don't look like you have anything left to lose.' I smile politely and think about my measurements (below) and disagree in my head while thanking them for the compliment. Then I wonder how much of the bulk that is left is just sagging skin. And how much of that accounts for the 'extra' weight? My arms and thighs have barely changed since November.
Nov. 14, 2011 May 14, 2012
Sigh. Not much happening there. I mean really, I should show y'all what it looks like when I 'tuck' the skin up. I really do wonder how much those bat wings weigh.

Back to the issue at hand. To call it a day or not.

I’m nervous to go into maintenance but more than anything, scared that I will feel as though I have failed at this. Because right now as I consider my options, despite all the huge changes I’ve made in my life, I feel like a failure at the idea of not hitting 100lbs. But I want to do what is best for my health. Do I continue to push and push and possibly force my body to do something it simply shouldn't be doing? Or do I forge ahead and meet this goal come hell or high water?

This shouldn't be so gut-wrenching. I've lost 90 pounds to date. NINETY! I run, like, a lot of miles. I make healthy choices that encompass every aspect of my life from food to environment to mental state. I'm doing all the right things despite my urges to just hang out on the couch.

So why is this 100 pound goal so important to me when I've accomplished so much already?

Because it means freedom. It means breaking away from who I was, or rather the person I've pigeon-holed myself into being for so many years. The person that doesn't follow through, the person that doesn't make or reach goals, the person who doubts herself, her talents and doesn't allow herself to live life to the fullest.

I am better than what I've allowed myself to be. I am bigger than my past, brighter than my present. And the future it's unlimited - if I work harder, if I push, and if I let myself attempt something greater than the limitations I set for myself.

I'm not ready to make a concrete and final decision on when to end this journey. For now I am setting a goal of four weeks. Four weeks from today, if I have not yet met my goal of 100 pounds, I will make a final decision. Today I'm going to continue to challenge myself. Right now, ten pounds in a month seems just as possible as it does impossible. But life is full of infinite possibilities. I will no longer deny myself opportunity because of a little fear and doubt.

Month One: -16 lbs
Month Two: -5 lbs
Month Three: -6 lbs
Month Four: -6 lbs
Month Five: -6 lbs
Month Six: -8.5 lbs
Month Seven: -7.5 lbs
Month Eight: -5 lbs
Month Nine: -2 lbs
Month Ten: -5 lbs
Month Eleven: -6 lbs
Month Twelve: -4 lbs
Month Thirteen: -6.5 lbs
Month Fourteen: -3.5 lbs
Month Fifteen: -1 lbs
Week sixty two: 1 WHAT?! WHAT?! (its actually 1lb and some change. But we are just gonna call it 1)
Week sixty three: 1
Total: 90 lbs gone forever! Current weight: 150 lbs Distance from goal: 10 lbs!!


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*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn't like something in the program. :)
Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.