Take it off | Week 74 - 76: GOOOAAAA---- aw, dang it.

So...I did this:
Fun fact: Before I edited this photo, you could totally see
the reflection of my boob in the glass scale.
Nip and all.
You are welcome for that imagery. 

Then I went on vacation for 12 days. And well, I sorta blew it. I went to BlogHer12, sheepishly telling people about meeting my goal. I wasn't as excited as I should have been. I didn't feel like I deserved the accolades that people tried to heap upon me. And even though I was so excited to have met my goal in time for the conference I knew that meeting my goal would be short-lived. 

I've been struggling to write about this because my original thought was that I had just decided 'Hey! I'm on vacation! I met my goal! I'm gonna let loose and let the chips fall where they may....right in my mouth!'. I was going to tell you how I just decided that I had earned and deserved a break.

What a load of crap.

Every time I started to type it out, it just did not ring true with me. Sure it was partly true. I was ready to just enjoy myself. I was tired of tracking food. Tired of watching others enjoy all the goodies that, for the most part, I had denied myself in the past year. I wanted to be lazy and break free and just turn off the part of my brain that works so hard at keeping myself on track. However, a break for me isn't the same as it is for others. Lack of structure and accountability are a wild, slippery slope for me.

The first leg of vacation I headed up to NYC for Blogher12. I did really well. For starters I was there representing Medifast. So how would it look if you found me in the lobby of the Hilton covered in buttercream icing? (Magnolia Bakery was just around the corner, by the way.) Through the conference and for the first 8 days or so of vacation, I minded my portions, I limited my drinking, and with the exception of my birthday dinner (Mexican and margaritas!), I let myself relax. I ate what I wanted without going too crazy. That was the first eight days. 

Then on day nine, the plague I had been fighting - the Great Black Death of BlogHer12 finally hit me with all of it's might.

And I don't know which one of you chicks gave it to me. But I am saving a portion of it in a petri dish. All I'm saying is you bitches better take your AirBorne before leaving for Chicago next year. 

Yes, I was ready for a break. But the real truth is that realizing my goal scared the crap out of me and it always has. And I kinda freaked out a little. I had a terrible cold over vacation so I was kicking the dirt and having a pity party for myself. I took that 'I deserve a break' mentality at every opportunity. I even remember saying a few times that my stomach was 'tired'. I was cramming so much into that it felt stretched to its limit; as if it had been doing strenuous exercise. And I couldn't stop! The last few days of vacation were a ridiculous free-for-all. I couldn't even tell you everything I ate.

By late Saturday I was disgusted and ready to get back on plan. I was back in that place of obsessing over what I ate, when I'd eat again, and how I'd feel after I ate it. I was cranky, sick with my cold and sick over how I'd let myself unravel, and I was tired of being worried about what the scale would read come Monday.

On Monday I was up 4.5 pounds. Everyone keeps telling me 'that's not that bad'. But the thing people are failing to see is my perspective. I fought so hard to get that one hundred pounds. It took FOREVER to get there. And I couldn't even hold onto it for a week. I wasn't worried about getting the weight back off. I was just disappointed that something I wanted so badly was given up so easily. Just like I didn't care for the one precious body I had by making it sick with obesity, I didn't care enough about this goal to keep it. I felt like I let myself down.

I've always said that I just wanted to hit the one hundred mark but didn't expect to stay there. I just didn't think I'd let it go so quickly. It makes me worry for my long term success. I don't know...maybe that's not a realistic way to think?

Every day will get easier but the finality of being in maintenance - even though I had given it much thought in the past few months and believed I was prepared - the act of being done with the regimen that has been my life for the past eighteen months was depressing and scary.

What Now?

Now, I try again.

Because you know what's especially pathetic about all of my whining? If you sat across from me and told me this story, I'd say 'WHO CARES!'

Who cares that you gained some weight on vacation. Who cares if you ate nothing but raw sugar dipped in honey and slathered in Ranch dressing? (for the record, that didn't actually happen.) Weight can be lost again and again. Did you enjoy it? (mostly) Then what's the problem? As long as you got up this morning and decided to try again, everything that happened last week doesn't matter. Because every day that you decide to try, you are that much closer to where you'd rather be. As long as you are trying, you aren't failing.

So today I try.

I've been dusting myself off all week long. I'm repeating the last week of transition (1,100-1,550 calories). I'm getting back into running after taking much too long of a break because of (heat and laziness). As of today, Thursday, I'm back down to 142 (2.5lbs gone). 

 • • •

A few weeks ago I went to see one of my favorite musicians, Kate Miller Heidke, at World Cafe Live in Philly. One of the things I love about her is that she does a lot of small, intimate shows. About two years I had the chance to meet her after a show at Arden Gild Hall in Delaware and was so excited that I had an opportunity to have a new photo take with her this year.

Kate is really tiny. So when I met her in 2010, I felt gigantic next to her. *ahem* And even though I'm a good 4-5 inches taller than her (I'm squatting down in both photos), I felt like a normal person next to her this time around!

• • •

Well, it has taken me all week to write this post. I have much more to share with you about BlogHer and all of the wonderful bloggers I met that want to take charge of their health. So I will get to work on that post next! (and hopefully it won't be another 3 weeks before I get that up!)

But for now, I am off to have my weekly chat with my Medifast dietitian and then get my butt out there and log some miles!

First year: 77lbs
Month Thirteen: -6.5 lbs
Month Fourteen: -3.5 lbs
Month Fifteen: -1 lbs
Month Sixteen: -5 lbs
Month Seventeen: -2 lbs
Month Eighteen: -2.5 lbs
Week seventy four: -2 lbs GOAL!!!!!! 100 POUNDS LOST!
Week seventy five: ? (on vacation, no weigh in. Lots of bad food)
Week seventy six: +4.5 oops.
Total: 95.5 lbs gone forever! Current weight: 142 lbs Distance from attaining the goal again: 4.5 lbs

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*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn't like something in the program. :)
Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.

Dogeared Jewelry is not sponsoring this giveaway and in no way endorses this site, this giveaway or the opinions in this post. The Turnip Farmer is solely responsible for this giveaway.