Take it off | The New Year


Happy New Year everyone!!!!

Timing is truly everything. I’m sure it’s no shock, considering my lack of posting about my diet, there hasn't been much of a diet. It’s not that I haven’t been trying. I have been half-heartedly doing the 4&2. But ya know, it really doesn't count for much if you chase a Medifast Brownie with a White Chocolate Pumpkin Latte from Dunkin Donuts. It also pains me to confess that my last run was 5 weeks ago. FIVE WEEKS! 

What the hell have I been doing?  Like everyone else, I got slammed by the holidays. 
We were going here, there, and everywhere. It’s also my busy season at work. Then there are the side projects and oh it got really effing cold out. I am SO over this running in the cold thing. 

In the past few months, probably since October, I've had a really tough time sticking to any kind of regimen. Day by day, all the good habits I had created seemed to peel away. I was snacking too much and with all the wrong things. I used to drink nearly two gallons of water a day and now I’m lucky to get a liter in myself. I was neglecting my exercise. I can’t even tell you the last time I logged my meals. 

And the wine...there was so much wine. There was enough wine that I actually became concerned a few times that this would become my new problem. (boy, that is hard to say out loud.) Don’t be concerned though! I had to take a step back and look at my drinking history. You have to understand that years ago, I never drank. My brother is an alcoholic and alcohol scares me. Then when I did drink, I drank too much (when I was single), then I didn't drink at all again for a long time. I picked it up again and when I did, it was only on the weekends and usually just one or two night. 

When I started Medifast, obviously I cut out drinking almost entirely. So when I got closer to goal, I began treating myself to drinks again. What is probably a normal and moderate level to most - a glass of wine at night with dinner throughout the week - is excessive to my personal norm. And that’s what I was doing; accompanied by the occasional getting a little tipsy on the weekends after the kid was long in bed. (Parent of the Year!) But it came to a point that it was outside my comfort zone. A little wine every night is fine - but its not fine for me. 

In the past few months, I made many attempts to be more strict but I just wasn't feeling it. I really wanted it but something was stopping me. I’d start the day off great and as the day would progress, there was almost a physical pull to not stick to a healthy plan. For weeks I was mad at myself. I couldn't figure out WHY I was being like this. Why had I worked so incredibly hard to get here only to let it fizzle out? Was I really going to be that person that lost a huge amount of weight only to gain it back? Was I really going to let all the lame excuses and lies we tell ourselves become my reality again? Was I going to be that annoying blogger that is constantly up and down and never really getting anywhere? Or will I be that annoying blogger that never has a bad day and is forever on-point with her health? I don’t mind the ups and downs - but I want progress too. And in the past few months I've been losing the same 5-7 pounds over and over again. 

So what the hell is my problem? 

I’d like to wrap this all up very neatly and say that my problem is me. I am in control of my progress, my happiness, my ambition. This is all very true. But its not fair to put all of the blame on myself. Because when I look back at the last two years, 2012 especially, I've done a lot of stuff! I've done more in the past year than I've done at any other point in my life. No wonder I was burned out. I can’t shoulder the entire blame for where I am now. I was EXHAUSTED! 

Credit: karenika.com

This year I worked hard at weight loss, my personal life, my professional life, being a mom, being an artist, counseling and mentoring others while simultaneously figuring out my own shit. I've been more present in life than I've ever been before. My body was/is in the best health it has ever been but my mind and my emotional state was exhausted. This seems to be a pattern in my life but in October, it had reached an all-time high.

For two years, my life has been like an open wound. And every time there was healing, recovery and progress, something would come along and lift the scab and the edges would come undone. I couldn't heal because the wounds were constantly being picked at. So I took a break. About three weeks ago, I decided that I was done until the new year. I was going to eat and drink whatever I wanted. I would exercise if I felt like it. My biggest chore would be converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. I was going to do something I had not truly done for the better part of two years: Relax.
I’ve been pushing so hard to make everything happen at once. And that’s no way to live.
Like I said above, timing is everything. Last night I went to bed dreading today. I’d been off-plan for so long, could I really get back on track? I was worried I’d feel that same pull of the exhaustion. Even as I walked into the kitchen to make my first Medifast meal of the day, my shoulders slumped in defeat. It wasn't until I took that first bite of brownie that it all came back to me. It felt right. This is the right time.

I ended 2012 at 153 pounds. I am starting 2013 at that weight and back on the 5&1 until I make it back to 140 and possibly 135. I had my time to relax but now I need structure again. Structure and awareness. I will listen when my inner dialogue screams from the background ‘Hey! You need a break!’ I’m also cutting way back on the wine and other spirits. Treating myself to a drink will be saved for special occasions like a date night. I will miss it. I like booze and I love my Moscato. A lot. I will be sad. ;) 

(Unless of course Barefoot or another fine Moscato
maker wants to sponsor a review and ad space.)

This year will be different. Because this year, I am no longer the person I was in 2012, 2011, or the 33 other years before today. I am made up of bits and pieces of years past and restructured into a whole new being. Old rules no longer apply - nor do past failures and shortcomings. I'm a different person. Someone who sets and meets goals. Someone who doesn't crack under the pressure and instead recognizes that they need a break and backs off. Someone that realizes that letting go a little bit isn't an acceptance of failure but rather an acceptance of self.

I am successful. I am strong. I am adaptive. I am resilient. I am dedicated. I am more than I ever thought possible. It’s 2013 and I’ve finally become myself.

Who will you become in 2013?

• • •
Total Loss on Medifast: 100 pounds
Current weight: 153 pounds
• • •
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*FTC Disclosure: Medifast provides their products for my personal use for free. I am not paid or compensated in any other way for mentioning their products. All thoughts written here are mine. I love complaining so I would tell you if I didn't like something in the program. :)

Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.